Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Transformers 2: The Revenge of Michael Bay's Splooge


The fact that bad movies make it to theatres while some films worthy of a packed house never make it to the big screen, is a travesty. One of those bad movies that's crowding the theatres this weekend is Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen. According to most reviews, director Michael Bay has seemingly lost his mind. For example, two of the new transformers are called Mudflap and Skids, and they are apparently even more offensive a racial stereotype than Jar Jar Binks.

And from what I understand, one of the robots has balls. Testicles. Shiny metal testicles.

But on a rare occasion, a movie can be so bad that it can set a fire under the collective movie reviewing community's ass, angering and inspiring them to write some goddamn hilarious bytes. T2:RotF is such a movie, and here's a few of the winning comments:

Massawyrm, Aintitcool.com:

"...the mistake this film will most likely be forever known for: Mudflap and Skids, the Stepin Fetchbots of the film. It’s as if Michael Bay looked at Jar Jar Binks and said “Oh, fuck no. Really? People find THAT offensive? Fuck that, I’ll show them a fucking stereotype they’ll never fucking forget!” And he does."

"It’s like the script was written in one sitting on a Morphine bender, with the writer nodding in and out of consciousness, thinking that he’d already written what happened in his dreams and simply picking back up where the dream left off."

Dana Stevens, Slate Magazine:

"...the simplest thing Bay could have done to clarify the stakes of the robot wars would be to visually distinguish the robots from one another in some way. Armbands? Shirts and skins? "Hello, My Name Is" stickers?"

Joe Morgenstern, The Wall Street Journal:

"Compared to this sequel, the first "Transformers," which was released two years ago, ranks right up there with Kant's "Critique of Pure Reason.""

Garth Franklin, Dark Horizons:

"The male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass."

Marshall Fine, Hollywood and Fine:

"It finally occurred to me that pyrotechnics are Bay's pornography: massive, fiery money-shots. I hope he had a sufficient supply of tissues in the editing room."

Jenna Busch, JoBlo.com:

"I know they had to get this script in before the writer's strike and that it was really rushed, but did no one proof read this thing? It's like three different people wrote their own version of the film and taped pages together"

Quint, Aintitcool.com:

"We hardly ever get to see any of the robots when they’re not fighting, with the exception of the new ‘bot named Jetfire who should be called the Expositionicon. He’s an old timer that walks with a transformer cane and randomly shits a parachute due to incontinence."

FHM UK:

"It’s like watching a blender for two hours while someone shouts at you. And then the last half an hour is the same, except it’s more like having your head strapped to a washing machine while you watch a blender and someone shouts at you."

Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times:

"...a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys."

"The dialog of the Autobots, Deceptibots and Otherbots is meaningless word flap. Their accents are Brooklyese, British and hip-hop, as befits a race from the distant stars. Their appearance looks like junkyard throw-up."


These reviews almost make me wanna see the fucking thing.

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