Thursday, July 30, 2009


Here's a new feature I hope to keep bringing to you throughout the year - an horrific little taste of the world of Ripley! No, not Sigourney Weaver... Robert Ripley, creator of the "Ripley's Believe It Or Not!" empire.

I got myself a little slice of that magic - my Ripley's page-a-day calendar! Every day has at least one new fact that would make Jack Palance spin in his grave - or at least do a few zombie one-armed push-ups.

Here's one I thought was particularly creepy:

Awwww cute... they kinda look like Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman, don't they?

And for those of you that are too young to get my Jack Palance reference:

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Gruesome news...

Here's a gruesome news story out of the US:

Police in US say fetus was cut from womb of woman found slain; fetus missing, could survive

By The Associated Press
WORCESTER, Massachusetts - A pregnant woman was found dead in her apartment with her fetus cut from her womb, and police on Wednesday were trying to find the missing baby, which they said could have survived.

Authorities said 23-year-old Darlene Haynes was about eight months pregnant and the child would have needed immediate medical attention to survive.

The exact cause of Haynes' death had not been determined Tuesday, but Detective Capt. Edward J. McGinn Jr. said the autopsy indicated Haynes suffered head injuries.
Her body was found Monday by her landlord, William Thompson, who told WCVB-TV that a "horrifying smell" led him to Haynes' bedroom, where he found her body wrapped in bedding in a closet. Police said the victim had apparently been dead for several days, and that she hadn't contacted family or friends since Thursday.

Officials say Haynes also has a 1-year-old daughter who is safe with relatives.
Police said Tuesday that they had interviewed the father of Haynes daughter, Roberto Rodriguez.

Haynes had a restraining order against Rodriguez, who allegedly pushed her into a glass table in June and cut her arm, then grabbed her by the throat and slapped her, the Telegram&Gazette of Worcester reported, citing court records.

Court records also showed Rodriguez was charged with hitting Haynes in 2008 in a case that was continued without a finding.

In June, Haynes described the 24-year-old Rodriguez as her boyfriend of several years. Her landlord said Rodriguez moved out of the apartment last month.

In an interview with WCVB, Rodriguez said Haynes was "a nice girl."

"She had her problems, you know, but nobody deserves to go (through) what she went through," he said.

Maybe they should be looking for this woman:

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Return of the Living Dedmontonian

I’m baaaaaack fuckers! It’s been a while (one notoriously misogynistic Black puppet and one parade later), but I’ve reanimated myself to chaw down on our city’s collective brain.

First off, head over to our less-decrepit cousin The Edmontonian where I address the fate of the former Deadmonton Horror Festival. Horror film fans WILL get their fix this October!

Next, a big thank you to all you perverts who came to our screening of Black Devil Doll on July 11. We got our asses handed to us by UFC, but you loyal few who came out made it worthwhile for us to do this kind of shit. For those who didn’t make it, was seeing Brock Lesnar’s smug mug really worth missing 80 minutes of crude humour and big jugs?

We did have a bit of controversy regarding our event posters, which, while not the most tasteful of ads, certainly didn’t merit phone calls to the police. Folks, the police are there to keep bad guys at bay, not as judges of bad taste. If you call them over stupid shit, they lose precious time they need to keep crooks off your streets and protect your property and your lives. Next time you’re offended, write a letter to the paper.

Thirdly, yours truly, the Dedmontonian, had the privilege of joining the motley collection of ghouls, zombies, pumpkinheads, psycho clowns, and hearses at this year’s Capital Ex parade. The dEdmonton crew entered a wonderfully wicked – and somewhat controversial – float in what can sometimes be a pretty drab parade (c’mon, a group of office workers in matching polo shirts holding a banner for their company is NOT a parade float). The Dedmontonian loves stirring shit up, and at the parade, we stirred shit up in true grave-churning style. Thanks to the wonderfully receptive crowds for all their support.

Our motley procession.

This guy seemed nice.

Lastly, stay tuned to the DEDfest page – we’re currently under construction, so sometimes we won’t look very pretty, but we’ll have some wicked news to share with you soon.

Until then, here's to seeing you more often.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Metallica and Crazy Russian Scientists

Hola, bastardos locos!

Quick reminder - the Black Devil Doll is coming! This Saturday, July 11th at the Pawn Shop (10549-82 Ave), we present the CANADIAN PREMIERE of The Most Offensive Movie Ever Made - BLACK DEVIL DOLL! Tickets are $12, are going fast, and are available through Kevin "JD's Revenge" Martin at The Lobby DVD Shop on Whyte (780.433-0600). We've seen the film - it WILL offend and it WILL make you laugh your ass off.

For like, the fourteenth day in a row, I've tuned into a certain ursine-monikered radio station at drive time and heard Metallica's "Day That Never Comes". I get it, Mr. Programming Manager - the song is heavy but easily digestible for the Nickelprick crowd. But why their follow-up single, "All Nightmare Long" hasn't got one stitch of airplay baffles me. Not only is it a return to the classic Metallica of "Creeping Death", it has one fucked-up, creepy video as well (posted below).

The "plot" of the video has to do with crazy Russkie scientists, experimentation, reanimation, and some evil little worm thing that came from Tunguska. Guitarist Kirk Hammett initially claimed that a big chunk of the vids footage came from an old vintage film reel he acquired on their Russian tour. The claim was later revealed to be bullshit to drum up publicity for the video, but its a cool story nonetheless. The vid evokes some of those freaky real films from the 1950s where Russian biologists were doing weird shit like sewing two heads on one dog. Although some deny the authenticity of those old films, I recently read Mary Roach's Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers in which one of her interviewees, a scientist working on head transplant (?) research, claimed those films were real and that, in fact, scientists in the former Soviet Republic are STILL doing freaky shit like that to this day.

Rosie Greer approves. Anyways, here's the video:

And here's some links to articles on Russian head transplant experimentation. Warning: the vids are pretty disturbing.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Guest Blog on The Edmontonian - Edmonton Horror Flicks

Hey gang!

The folks over at The Edmontonian (that's me minus the D) asked me to do a guest blog. SUCKERS.

Anyways, here's the spawn of that unholy union:
Thursday, July 2, 2009

In Honor of "Piranha" - Top Six Sick Summer Flicks!

There’s been a shitload of net chatter lately regarding the 3D remake of Joe Dante’s nature-gone-amok B-movie “Piranha”. And from what early set pics have shown, the buzz may be justified. So far, we’ve seen scores of bikini clad extras (some in various states of mastication), cool pre-viz of the fish, and the buff-as-fuck Elizabeth Shue. With a top-notch director like Alexandre Aja at the helm, and the 3D element, and we may be in for one gory, bloody, fishy good time in 2010. My only beef: although I can’t wait to see this movie, I’m kinda wishing they’d bump it from its March release and schedule it for mid May. This has the potential to be a big summer blockbuster.

Here’s some of the aforementioned pics:

So in honour of the potential greatness that may be Piranha 3D, here’s a little list for you:

Top Six Sick Summer Flicks

Horror movies are pretty much synonymous with Halloween, but the great thing about our beloved genre is that there are sick flicks for all seasons! So with the temperature rising and the days getting longer, I thought I’d list some of my favourite summertime fright fests. After your ball game, barbecue, patio beer, or garden implement murder spree, pop one of these seasonal treats in your DVD player:

1. Jaws (1976)
Plot in a nutshell: a fucking shark eats people, Robert Shaw.

Summer, beaches, bikinis (albeit 70’s swimsuits – I shudder to think of the bush underneath – the shark must have been picking his teeth for days) and of course, sharks… Spielberg’s masterpiece not only defined the nature-gone-amok genre, it also holds the distinction of being the first summer blockbuster. And I’m still amazed they got away with a PG rating.

2. Friday the 13th parts 1-7, Remake (1980-2008)
Plot in a nutshell: a psycho/zombie in a hockey mask kills summer camp counsellors, Ron “Horshack” Palillo.

I’m not counting “…takes Manhattan”, “Jason X”, or “Freddy vs. Jason” because none of those capture the summer camp feel of the first 7. There’s talk of the next F13 (the sequel to the remake of the reimagining of the… ah fuck I’ve lost track) seeing Jason wreak bloody havoc in a snowy setting. Note to Platinum Dunes: do you know why no-one’s ever set a Jason flick in winter? Chicks don’t skinny dip in winter! Part of the charm of this series lies not just with the creative violence, but with the ample nudity as well. Nothing says “summertime” quite like perky tits and bloody cleavings. They go together like peanut butter and chocolate.

3. The Burning (1981)
Plot in a nutshell: See above. Substitute hideously burned face for hockey mask. Add Jason Alexander (with hair), Fisher Stevens and Holly Hunter.
One of the first rip-offs of Friday the 13th, this summer camp slasher is notable for its cast of future stars, for being the Weinsteins’ first film, and for Tom Savini’s amazing and groundbreaking gore FX. This film also stands out from the pack by actually having likeable characters and some decent dialogue. Plus, if you’re like me and can’t forgive Fisher Stevens for his dogshit performance in Hackers, then seeing him get his digits lopped off by old Cropsy feels like sweet revenge.

4. Uncle Sam (1997)
Plot in a nutshell: Murderous, zombified gulf war vet goes on a 4th of July vengeance spree against his town’s hippies and draft dodgers. Break out the fireworks, baby!

This fun, underrated gem comes from Maniac director William Lustig and Q: The Winged Serpent’s Larry Cohen, and stars genre vets Ken Foree, Bo Hopkins, PJ Soles, and Robert Forster. And it’s got Isaac fucking Hayes! Although the beginning is slow-paced, and the film’s attempt at a social commentary (addressing topics like misplaced patriotism and post traumatic stress syndrome) doesn’t quite gel, once the inventive kills get going, the film kicks into high gear. Uncle Sam, I salute you!

5. The Lost Boys (1987)
Plot in a nutshell: punky, dirt-bike-riding vamp pretty boys try to recruit soon-to-be-reality star Corey Haim and his older brother.

I was lucky enough to catch this in the theatre the day it came out. Although a bit dated in parts, it still remains a classic. Kiefer was at his most pre-Jack Bauer badassiness, the Corey’s were not only tolerable, but funny (but what the fuck was with the Rob Lowe poster in your room, Sam?), and there was ample gore and bloodshed to keep us freaks enthralled. It’s worth noting that an R-rated flick featuring a young cast of teen heartthrobs would never get made in today’s greedy studio regime. And the seaside setting – complete with my one weakness: CARNIVALS – makes this one of my favourite summer-themed movies.

According to Kev at the lobby, the sequel sucks hind tit.

6. The Funhouse (1981)
Plot in a nutshell: Stoner Teens sneak into midway funhouse for overnight boinking session, but get stalked by mutant fuckface carnie and his grimy dad.

Speaking of carnivals, this is the mother of all carnival movies. I can’t go a single summer without at least taking one walk through the midway and going into at least one haunted house, so for me, Tobe Hooper’s The Funhouse is damned near the perfect psycho summer treat. With its creepy carnies, mutants, and animatronic beasties, this flick harkens back to a time when carnivals were a more thrilling, chilling, and edgy than their modern-day counterparts. Can’t wait to see what Eli Roth does with this one.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009


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